In an unexpected turn of events related to the release of the Government of Canada's Budget 2012 this past Thursday evening, TRIUMF will be changing its name.
Director Nigel S. Lockyer received a hand-written letter from National Research Council Canada at his home on Saturday morning containing the news. He said, "I was a bit surprised to find Purolator pounding on the door at 8 o'clock in the morning on a weekend, but fortunately, I had already drunk my latte and was able to tip the poor man." The letter is signed by the President of the National Research Council, John McDougall.
McDougall could not be reached for comment at this time. However, a spokesperson in his office offered the following comments by e-mail, "TRIUMF has become the darling of Canadian media and the public. We just couldn't keep that going, and so the right thing to do was re-name the laboratory. I mean, do they really do much particle and nuclear physics anymore? Seems like its mostly medical isotopes and chemistry."
A spokesperson at Industry Canada had a different explanation. Bradley G. Otcha-vitz said by telephone, "TRIUMF always stood for the original three universities which really was four. And now its up to 17. So the Minister felt that the right thing to do was round it off to 20 and call it even. And then we realized that chemical element is Calcium, and that Dilling guy seems to be doing pretty well working with those isotopes, so...it was an obvious move."
Effective Sunday, April 1, 2012, the laboratory formerly known as TRIUMF will be called "CALCIUM," an acronym for CAnada's Laboratory for Chemistry, Isotopes, Unknowns, and Medicine.
Lockyer added by e-mail, "We probably won't have a formal renaming ceremony, because we'd have to do something all-inclusive, like a christening, and then a bar mitzvah, and then a rumspringer (in case Romney wins), and so on. We are, however, going to work with Sharon to make sure we can re-label the Easter mugs in time for the upcoming holiday."
Thank you, readers, for your time and patience in reading this entirely made-up, artificial, untrue, imaginary news story.
-- by T. Isaac, TRIUMF's head of tricks, cheap shots, and April Fool's Department