You are here

Cosmetological Fujiwara Effect Proven

01 April 2015

Today, scientists from TRIUMF and the Wightman Institute for Theoretical Studies (WITS) have determined that there is, in fact, a strong correlation between the state of protein filament strands within a system and the strength - or success rate - of the subject. Based on previous hypotheses at WITS, researchers at TRIUMF performed studies using high precision tools and confirmed the existence of the “Fujiwara Effect.” This breakthrough will undoubtedly impact the face of physics.

For years, there has been much debate over whether or not the state of a protein filament strand found in cosmetology correlates with the strength found in the physical fields. Although this effect has pervaded the majority of physics experiments in recent history, it has neither been understood nor confirmed.

To better understand the success rate of the subject based on the state of its filaments, which later came to be known as the Fujiwara Effect, Dr. van Dewde of WITS confirmed balance of states equations dependant on specific parameters within the closed system, such as style, thickness (Figure A), and electromagnetic properties. The state of the filament is defined as the limit of carbon-based filaments over the periodic interruption of growth. Figure B shows the deviations in the state that is traced out over time. The key factor identified in this model is based on the ideal state of the filament, but, until now, there has never been a mechanism that could restore balance to, or “trim,” the strand.

Figure on right: © 2012 American Physical Society

Cosmetologists used high precision metal alloys to dampen the exponential growth of these filaments, and successfully returned the strand to a balanced state. Due to the rate of growth, the subjects were given a 6-12 week rest period, during which they were isolated in a lab environment and shielded from other cosmetological effects. Studies confirmed the experimental accuracy of the equations to nanometer precision.

Illustrated in the photos below, the results clearly indicate that the effect of restoration to the ideal state has a positive impact on the subject and its system. In fact, the Fujiwara effect is named after a key participant in the study on whom the effect was shown to occur with a five-sigma confidence level.

Dr. Makoto Fujiwara was asked to comment on his success in this research. “I really don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said, “I just came to the Hot Spot to get a sandwich. Are you recording this?”

These equations and their effects have come up once before in the field of physics. A related study revealed that the Fujiwara Effect was the one factor missing from Einstein’s attempts to unify the fields of gravity and quantum mechanics (see photo). Had Einstein applied the Fujiwara Effect in his later research, the study postulates that he may have been able to find the key equation that unifies these fundamental forces of physics.

Researchers are flocking to TRIUMF to book appointments with cosmetologists trained in applying the Fujiwara effect, as well as to grab a coffee in the Hot Spot Cafe. NAAPS CEO Mr. JD Hanlon reports, “This is just the kind of business that NAAPS is positioned to facilitate and bring to the market. We’re happy to be part of this opportunity.”

Studies examining the facial protein filament structures are inconclusive at this time. Further studies will determine whether moustaches are susceptible to the Fujiwara Effect. Two subjects have been identified (see photo). 

Note from Editor: Please note that Mr. Hanlon requested his quote be removed, as he thought we were talking about something else. At this time, we have ignored his request.

– Contrived by CMJ Communications. Please note the date in deducing the verity of this article.

The Fujiwara Effect in action:

Sporting a shorter hairstyle in 1912, Albert Einstein achieved success in the form of a Nobel Prize in Physics for discovering the law of the photoelectric effect.Seen here with a longer, unkept hairstyle in 1939, Einstein was unsuccessful in his attempt to unify the fields of gravity and quantum mechanics.

And again...

With his long locks in 2010, Makoto failed to attend a viewing of Avatar due to a full theatre and the popularity of the film.

After receiving a haircut, it's only moments before success strikes: Makoto receives free tickets to the Davis Cup tennis tournament, purchases Avatar on BlueRay and moves out* from his parents’ basement suite to a second floor unit.

* Subject to change if he doesn’t maintain his haircut.

And again?

Could moustaches hold the key to out of this world success?